The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa) | | 1/4 calories |
If the woman is not (same vice-versa) | | 274 calories |
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
Normal size | | 22 calories |
Oversize | | 15 calories |
Tremendous | | 8 calories |
Teensy-weensy | | 163 calories |
Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) | | 20 calories |
Woman on top, man on bottom
| | 25 calories |
From the rear (Mysterious variation) | | 40 1/2 calories |
Standing: Both partners of equal height | | 18 calories |
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man | | 90 calories |
While in traction
| | 124 calories |
Locations
On a bar stool | | 20 calories |
Rear of a Honda Civic | | 38 calories |
In a phone booth, standing | | 14 calories |
In a phone booth, lying down | | 274 calories |
On an airliner, aisle seat | | 24 calories |
On an airliner, middle seat | | 42 calories |
On an airliner, window seat | | 30 calories |
On an airliner, in the lavatory | | 100 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing | | 7 calories |
Sliding around | | 9 calories |
Serious Skidding | | 12 calories |
Full cartwheel | | 20 calories |
Whiplash | | 27 calories |
Knee burn | | 6 calories |
Chafed elbows | | 5 calories |
Chafed nose | | 11 calories |
Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp) | | 3 calories |
Wheezing | | 5 calories |
Squeals | | 4 calories |
Ecstatic moaning | | 11 calories |
Low growling | | 8 calories |
Squishing | | 10 calories |
Shouting | | 16 calories |
Screaming | | 18 calories |
Urgent begging | | 22 calories |
Any short speech giving partner directions
| | 25 calories |
Approaching Orgasm
Letting go | | 5.5 calories |
Controlling yourself | | 79 calories |
Digging nails into your partner's back | | 11 calories |
Trembling | | 15 calories |
Shaking | | 20 calories |
Shuddering | | 25 calories |
Trying to keep eyes open | | 33 calories |
Orgasm
Real | | 27 calories |
Faked | | 160 calories |
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn't change | | 1/2 calorie |
Face turned purple | | 15 calories |
Orchestra swelled | | 6 calories |
Magical explosions | | 10 calories |
Blazing Sheets | | 25 calories |
Earth moved | | 30 calories |
Vesuvius erupted | | 47 calories |
You began moaning in Latin | | 60 calories |
Pulling Out
After orgasm | | 1/4 calorie |
A few moments before orgasm | | 500 calories |
Multiple Orgasms
For women: | | |
2 | | 14 calories |
5 | | 30 calories |
8 | | 47 calories |
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.) | | |
For Men: | | |
2 | | 21 calories |
3 | | 39 calories |
4 | | 57 calories |
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.) | | |
Special Orgasms
Clitoral. | | 15 calories |
Vaginal | | 21 calories |
Penile | | 21 calories |
Scrotile | | 15 calories |
Rectal | | 25 calories |
Oral
| | 30 calories |
Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion | | 2 calories |
During intercourse
| | 5 calories |
During foreplay | | 3 calories |
Immature ejaculation
| | 4 calories |
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.
For Women | | |
Frustration | | 8 calories |
Anger | | 15 calories |
Violent mood swing | | 20 calories |
Surpressing rage | | 25 calories |
Not surpressing anger
| | 65 calories |
For Men: | | |
Cursing | | 10 calories |
Apologising | | 3 calories |
Snivelling | | 5 calories |
Pleading for mercy | | 8 calories |
Begging for another chance
| | 15 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning | | 6 calories |
Palpitations | | 10 calories |
Shortness of breath | | 5 calories |
Perspiring | | 8 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition | | 1 calorie |
Recovering
Un-entwining | | 3 calories |
Regaining motor control of pevis
| | 7 calories |
Standing up | | 9 calories |
Getting some juice | | 11 calories |
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse
| | 18 calories |
During intercourse
| | 32 calories |
During foreplay
| | 12 calories |
Avoiding the wet spot | | 80 calories |
Trying Again
If the woman is ready | | 5 calories |
If the man is not | | 156 calories |
Dreaming
Regular dream | | 2 calories |
Wet Dream
| | 16 calories |
Wet Trance
| | 20 calories |
Group Sex
Introducing yourself | | 3 calories |
Overcoming shyness | | 8 calories |
Swapping partners, willingly | | 4 calories |
Swapping partners, unwillingly | | 62 calories |
Jealousy
| | 16 calories |
Mixed doubles | | 26 calories |
Being nice to everyone | | 100 calories |
Anger
| | 10 calories |
Finding your clothes | | 5 calories |
Masturbation
For pleasure only | | 6 calories |
For exercise, too | | 10 calories |
For relief from tension | | 12 calories |
To pass the time | | 7 calories |
To avoid overeating | | 16 calories |
To get in touch with inner self | | 10 calories |
To get in touch with outter self | | 10.5 calories |
To avoid insanity | | 24 calories |
To avoid spending money on a date
| | 9 calories |
Using your hand(s) | | 11 calories |
Using your finger(s) | | 9 calories |
Using tweezers | | 2 calories |
Using an inflatable doll | | 24 calories |
Using Any fruit or vegetable
| | 19 calories |
Using a vibrator, hand-operated | | 12 calories |
Using a vibrator, windup | | 9 calories |
Using a vibrator, electric | | 5 calories |
Using anything not mentioned here | | 50 calories |
In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket | | 2.5 calories |
In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat | | 78 calories |
In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat | | 3 calories |
Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did | | 4 calories |
Partner hates me for what I didn't do | | 8 calories |
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual | | 10 calories |
Climaxing too soon | | 5 calories |
Climaxing too late | | 6 calories |
Not climaxing | | 20 calories |
Partner thinks of me as a sex object | | 9 calories |
Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object | | 47 calories |
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm | | 88 calories |
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm | | 6 calories |
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field | | 8 calories |
Penis envy | | 72 calories |
Body odor of a disgruntled yak | | 25 calories |
Getting Caught
By partner's spouse | | 60 calories |
By your spouse | | 60.5 calories |
Trying to explain | | 165 calories |
Stuttering | | 28 calories |
Throwing up
| | 40 calories |
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm | | 100 calories |
Fright (includes trembling) | | 66 calories |
Leaping out of bed | | 25 calories |
Getting dressed in one large motion | | 300 calories |
Thanking partner quickly | | 2 calories |
Jumping out of window
| | 15 calories |
Landing | | 1 calorie |
Running very fast | | 50 calories |
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